A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far, Far Away....

Superbowl: Episode XL – A New Hope emerges, while the Steeler Nation tries to Strike back, but it’s all good, because this Superbowl marks the Return of the Holmgren, and he’s bringing along Matt “the Phantom Menace” Hasselbeck to bring about the Revenge of the Seattle sports scene.

It is a period of civil war. The Seattle Seahawks, striking from a hidden base called Qwest Field, have won their first NFC championship against the evil Carolina Panthers.
During the battle, the Seahawks managed to secure a trip to the Superbowl to take on the Empire's ultimate weapon, the Steelers, an armored over-hyped team with enough power to destroy an entire planet.Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents (the media), Matt Hasselbeck races to Detroit aboard Paul Allen’s private jet, custodian of the game plan that can save their people and restore freedom to the galaxy....

The Story thus far…

“But I was gonna go to Tashi station to pick up power converters”

Once upon a time a young football player, named Matt Hasselbeck was a young backup for the Green Bay Packers. Under the tall shadow of Brett Favre, Matt didn’t get noticed too much. But an old wizard name Mike Holmgren had other plans…

“You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to Alderaan.”

Holmgren informed the young quarterback that his father wasn’t some Towel boy like his Aunt and Uncle had told him. No, his father was a quarterback in the NFL. Holmgren was leaving for Seattle, and he wanted this young man to come with him and follow in his fathers footsteps. Matt, excited to get away from all the cheese in Wisconsin was quick to say yes.

“I've outrun Imperial starships, not the local bulk-cruisers, mind you. I'm talking about the big Corellian ships now.”

Matt wasn’t going to be able to do this alone. He needed some help. Enter: Shaun Alexander. Sure, he was cocky and wanted a lot of money, but you got what you paid for. A running back that could break records (“It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs!”) and keep cool under pressure.

“It’s Away!”

In their first year they were back in the playoff hunt -

“No, no. It didn’t go in. It just impacted on the surface.”

- Unfortunately they didn’t get much farther than that.

Years pass…

Matt trains under Master Yoda (Trent Dilfer & Jim Zorn) and learns the ways of the quarterback.

But the Seahawk alliance appears to be weakened. They finally are forced to cut ties (or hands if you want to keep with the Star Wars metaphors) with Koren Robinson. The likes of Chike Okeafor and Ken Lucas abandon the cause. Most are picking the team to not even make the playoffs.

5 Months later….

“The Emperor has made a critical error and the time for our attack has come.”

Yeah, that’s right. They thought we were done…but just like the Rebels upgrading with the likes of the B-Wing and the Mon Calamari Cruiser we made some “special modifications” named Lofa Tatupu and Joe Jurevicus to name a couple.

“I’m afraid the Shield Generator will be quite operational when your friends arrive”

The “Steeler Nation” is a cocky group. They assume that just because they’ve never actually watched a Seahawk game this year, we’re lame. Always underestimating us, the media is.

“You’re Overconfidence is your weakness”

And that suits us just fine. We’ll bust Pittsburg up like Obi-Wan slicing up Anakin in Revenge of the Sith. Let them be cocky. They can talk all the trash they want. We’re gonna show up with our game faces on, while they’ll be busy watching Jerome Bettis prance around the sidelines going “Look at me! I’m from Detroit! Yea!”

“You've failed, Your Highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.”

And with that, the media will be scrambling to look for excuses for the Steelers loss, when we all know the truth. The dark side may be faster and more seductive…but they’ll never win out in the end. Also…it helps when you have Walter Jones pushing linemen aside the way normal men push aside old ladies.