“The Poohbah needs to get back in the game”

Re-worked quote from another promising HBO series, “John from Cincinnati”, and I’ll quote the sports guy that yes, it’s great to have Luke Perry back in my life, not since his short stint on Oz has my Luke Perry gland been so happy. Seriously though, I did enjoy the over the top surrealism of Luis Guzman’s stomach and the amazing cinematography of the beaches of SoCal, between J f C, The Making of Medellin and Flight of the Concords, Sunday night on HBO looks like its about to drive the DVR box for a couple of months.

Needing a boost of inspiration I finally realized during the morning shower, which has been THE biggest let down since my stay in room 232 and “The Felix”, coming home to the “The Jarrod” (never gets the H20 pressure up over 88, only gives you maybe 10 good minutes and the drain is constantly clogged) I felt the need to elaborate on a topic that donned on me after watching the last 10 minutes of game three or as I like to call it, the worst Championship Series of my life time.

The topic…..

Top 10 Worst Teams to ever play for a Championship

*disclaimer: This will only cover my conscious years of watching televised championships beginning in 1985, so the Redskins from “Black Sunday” will not be on this list, although I am giving them honorable mention. Also, only sports that I have watched, so sorry Dude, but only this years Stanley Cup Playoffs apply.

#10: 2004 St Louis Cardinals 0-4 sweep to Boston

It was destiny’s year and after the Dave Roberts steal and defeating the arch nemesis this series was basically over from the first pitch, but La Russa’s crew could’ve at least moved around a little and pretended to be alive. St Louis didn’t have a single starting pitcher to last into the sixth inning until game four and by that point destiny’s child was on the verge of the overrated beast they’ve become today.

#9: 1985 New England Patriots 10-46 loss to the Super Bowl Shuffle

Total Net Yardage: 408-123, Avg Yard Per Offensive Play: 5.4 to 2.3, Rushing Attempts: 49-11, Net Rushing Yards: 167-7, T.O.P: 39:15 to 20:45, result….thanks for playing Stevie Grogan we have some lovely parting gifts.

#8: Tie, 2001 Super Bowl, NY Giants & Baltimore Ravens

I didn’t want to include one without the other, following one of the greatest SB of my lifetime that ended on the one yard line at the GA Dome, we received this clash of the titans…I will give credit that Baltimore has one of the top five defenses to ever play for a championship, but thanks to parity, their offense rivaled that of the Rhein Fire. Hey, Tony Banks has a SB ring, but Dan Marino doesn’t.

#7: 1998-1999 New York Knicks, 1-4 to the S.A. Spurs

Not only was this the strike shortened season, so this title should have an * by it, for only being ¾ of a regular championship, but the fact the 90 point margin was only eclipsed once during the whole series, by either team. I just threw up thinking of this series, moving on.

#6: 2001-2002 New Jersey Nets, 0-4 to Showtime 2.0

At least this series involved scoring, even though there was never a moment in any of these games, were Snoop was even the slightest bit worried. Looking back, I feel sad that JKidd never had the low post and bench guys needed to win a title. Oh well…tell it to Johnny Stockton shorts.

#5: 1994 MLB Lockout

I just wanted to remind everyone that we’re only 13 years removed from both the owners and players of MLB bending their fans over with a fistful of shame. Although, the championship game was probably better than….

#4: 1998 San Diego Padres 0-4 to the Wanka’s

I think the sentence, Scott Brosius: World Series MVP, says all that you need to know. Game one actually got the SoCal faithful excited until The Wanks dropped a 7 spot in the bottom of the seventh and effectively crushed any hope Greg Vaughn and the Fathers had. Big props to Charles (Chili) Theodore Davis for hitting DH for the Wanks during this series.

#3: 1993 Buffalo Bills 17-52 to the Dallas Cowboys

“I’ve been waiting for you Obi-Wan…” you knew this one was coming. One of the greatest days on this planet for this estranged Cowboy fan. Most fans remember the effort from Don Beebe not to make it the most points scored by one team in a Super Bowl, but the two defensive TD’s and four total turnovers along with Aikman’s signature game 22-30 273 4td. Buffalo was now 0-3 in the big game after two competitive matches they were made to look like the Abilene Middle School JV squad versus the Mojo of Permian.

#2: 2006-2007 Cleveland Cavaliers soon to be 0-4 to the Spurs

Game three is usually the game reserved for the team down 2-0 to show their meddle and pony up to make sure they don’t go down in history as an 0-fer. Despite a ton of no calls down the stretch in favor of the Cavaliers, they still could not get it done shooting 37% from the field and spectacular 15% (3-19) behind the mark. Outside of #23, there’s not a single player I would recruit for any team I was building and Mike Brown’s inability to get a timeout called with the most important play in Cavs history about to happen was the Coup de Gras for writing this piece.

#1 The Denver Bronco Super Bowl Era v1.0 (1978-1990)

Never has there been a team more consistently unprepared for the “big game” then the Orange Crush during their four Super Bowl appearances these dozen years. From Craig Morton’s 4-15 39yd 4int performance in 1978 to Joe Montana’s clinic in 1990 for 5td passes, both beginning and ending at the glorious Louisiana Super Dome.

While a lot of people place this on the shoulders of men like Elway, Morton and Reeves, I find it hard to believe that one man could be responsible for being outscored by a combined total of 164-50 over 16 quarters of American Football. So here’s to the mile high 11 for taking home the #1 spot, because if you’re going to be bad, why the f*** not be number one.