Couple of Loose Ends...

Got a few things to go over so please excuse the complete lack of regard for organization.

First, to recap a nice point MCP made in the post right below this one…the 80’s action film…I think this really needs a week (perhaps year?) long commitment of posts exploring all effected elements…since that requires too much organization I’ll dedicate 200 words to a major player from 1980-1989 and may we someday see the return of the “Hand of the 80's God”

The Mini-Uzi:
A derivative of Major Uziel Gal’s post Arab-Isreali war weapon that incorporated the best parts of economical and simplistic designs. The best compliment the Major ever gave for the ‘Uzi’ was this little ditty: “Please don’t name it after me”. Well I guess the Major wasn’t forward-thinking enough for Hollywood and the pony-tailed Austrians, Germans, Colombians, Bloods, etc… that required a ‘simplistic, economical’ weapon of choice to take down the action hero of the month.

Much like the Polar Bears and the myth of Global Warming, the lack of the mini-Uzi was the first sign that the world would not be the same as soon as Dick Clark dropped the ball on Jan One, 1990. The incumbent governor of the Golden State wakes up every morning re-enacting the following scene just to be reminded of a better place and time:


I’m afraid our generation has failed the children of tomorrow with subtitled animation and Tom Hanks. It will be left to Dude’s students to bring action films back to their glory, and what tool of destruction will they take into the gauntlet of celluloid? Dunno Spud, but I’m excited to find out.

Portland:

“Forget the goddamn Blazer Gear, let’s just get the gun and go”

Yes, our southbound croc wearing, stumptown-drinking, manicured bearded cousins who apparently have a hard time supporting the only f’n professional sports team they have.

My assumption going into the weekend was that I would stumble across a few stores pimping Blazer gear, since, after all I was staying DIRECTLY DOWNTOWN IN A CITY THAT ONLY HAS ONE PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAM.

I didn’t set out to find a specific place or item, and apparently that was my down fall, because I might as well have been in downtown Sioux City with the complete and lack of anything promoting, THE ONLY F’N PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAM IN THE STATE. This was somewhat tempered by the fact that I finally found a missing link in my vinyl collection, but that’s another story on a completely different Lodge night.

A couple of theories behind not seeing a damn thing sporting the Black and Red of my youth spend across the river in ‘Van-Town’ proper.

1 NBA = Adidas. I find this a positive since, well, I associate the swoosh with every evil in this beautiful world not already poisoned by NASCAR. This would also explain why one of the devil’s right hand men would stop at nothing to cease the propaganda of a sport that dare defies the endorsement of the master of evil and Prefontaine.

2 Zach Randolph. Not that one person could effectively change the selling of propaganda for an entire city, but I do reference this encounter with one of the valet’s at the Hotel Monaco to capture the entire JailBlazer era:

Me: “Hey, do you know where I could find some gear around here, doesn’t seem to be any downtown”
Valet: “ Not sure, probably around the Rose Garden” (you think around the actual stadium for the ONLY F’N PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAM IN THE ENTIRE F’N STATE?)”
Me: “Man, you guys sure are gun-shy to support the team, we’ve (you like how I immediately became an Oregonian) moved on, we have the NW basketball Jesus now” (this may or may not have been said)
Valet: “Man, we had Zach Randolph down here a couple of times, and man I’ve never met a bigger asshole in my entire life, do you want my season tickets for next year?” (the part about the season tickets was definitely not said)

Now, my immediate reaction to his last point was, WOW, this is a valet at one of the top hotels (because you know how the Poobah rolls) in Portland and he has to deal with assholes on an hourly basis, probably more minute by minute on weekends, and if he’s referencing a player that’s been gone for two seasons (thanks again Zeke), he’s had quite a few litmus samples by which to make this claim of biggest asshole ever, therefore making this a legitimate test case to state the catchphrase for the JailBlazer era: “The Biggest Collection of Assholes Ever”. Put that on your next commercial Stern.

A city that embraces a daily protest march in its main city center, (Friday was Immigration, Saturday Million Man Marijuana March, Sunday must have been Save Ferris) I believe is a little reluctant to come back and embrace a team, even if it is led by the NW basketball Jesus, which ultimately explains the lack of propaganda, although I’m still not convinced this is enough, but I’ll leave that up to the Lodge to decide.

The bigger question at hand is: Are they equipped to become a rival to the greatest MLS franchise in the country and especially I-5? Based on my sample study this weekend I think you know the answer already: I'm Ron Burgandy?

Other things of note from the 503: Burgerville – Pepper Bacon Cheesburger = happiness, Everyday Music Vinyl Selection=Legendary, Brewery Only Beers at Deschutes=Things that make the Gods cry, Norma and Dean out in McMinniville, OR who showed us around their estate=priceless

Thanks for reading and the above mentioned quote for this section is credited to my one and only and upon further reading really ties this post together and also came this afternoon at a Joe’s in Newberg, OR.

Coming Soon: “Why Red Dawn changed the world and only the Cohen Brothers noticed”