Chuck Norris

1) Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

2) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

3) Chuck Norris does not have joy in his life but he gives it to people anyway.

4) Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

5) When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

6) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

7) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

8) A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until the man exploded.

9) This Chuck Norris tale has been removed due to content by the Parent’s League.

10) Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

11) To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

12) Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

13) Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

14) The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

15) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16) Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

17) Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: Keep On Truckin’.

18) The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

19) After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

20) Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and broke every window at the party, just because he's Chuck Norris.

21) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

22) Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

23) If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

24) One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

25) When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

26) Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

27) Chuck Norris chased a man down, tackled him and held him pinned to the ground while he repeated "I will never try to pull a fast one on Chuck Norris" for 3 and a half hours when the man didn't give him exact change. He then roundhouse kicked him so hard he flew across the country, landing in a small trailer along the eastern seaboard. The man has the footprint on his chest to this day.

28) Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

29) Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

30) Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your savior!" and head-butted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.