At least the F'n Hobbits scored

Not knowing exactly what to bring to the table this week, I’m going to focus on my continuing crusade against the recent best picture award winner Crash. I’ve made the statement recently that this might possibly be the worst film to ever take home an Oscar for best picture or any other award. I realized a general statement like this would need to be validated through several hours of research and detailed analysis of film history, and then I remembered that this is the Lodge and half-assed posting works 85% of the time and the other 15% is made up of reciting Bob Condotta’s continued excellence with the Times.

So here’s my homage to Crash and the bottom five of films to win the top prize and gain immortality for paying off the right people:

Annie F’n Hall: I know, I know…for Star Wars right? Come on….abso-f’n-lutely for Star Wars, I don’t care that parts of the dialogue sounded like they came from a 4th grade English competition…SW changed how the game was played and viewed, from the studios, to the directors to the audience…still no comparable phenomenon than what occurred that year…I wouldn’t say in the big picture element of the 70’s that SW matched how the Academy voted previously with awards going to Patton, GF I and II, Deer Hunter and especially after nominating a film the year previous that script-wise was moving, but not excellent in Rocky…their sins will not be forgiven for this...I don't care how much cred Allen has, you denied the Wookie...

Kramer vs. Kramer: This botch can clearly be brought back to Coppala-fatigue from the Academy by 1979, and the thought that one director could have 3 movies win Best Picture in the span of 10 years…unfortunately the Academy's snub of Apocalypse Now pushed Francis over the edge, and Apocalypse Now would mark the last great-Epic movie he would ever make, save The Cotton Club, perhaps the 2 year production and massive struggles in creating one of THE greatest movies of all-time contributed to this downturn…but, there was no excuse in denying Kilgore, Kurtz & Willard the Gold. Further proving that the Academy hates to surf.

Driving Miss Daisy: Granted a down year, but between Field of Dreams, Dead Poets Society, Born on the 4th of July and My Left Foot you could’ve found a more memorable film…in fact I’ve never seen anyone carry Driving Miss Daisy in their DVD collection, this includes Dude, which is amazing…Consider that Glory and Do The Right Thing were also released the same year. Proving that Oscar hates not only surfing, but also baseball and Ron Kovic.

F’n Chicago: Never saw it…doesn’t matter…musicals by default should not qualify as movies. Look, we gave you a medium, its called the stage, now stay there and get the f' off the screen. In fact, if major parts of your film are dictated by the singing of lines…then I know an entire demographic that will never see your film, even if the women are partially naked, which would just cause the same demographic to turn the sound off and use the Showgirls soundtrack…I don’t mind if you have a special category that you captures the talent of making a musical on film, but do not confuse an art-type made popular by dancing/singing humans dressed in cat suits for an appropriate use of the celluloid medium…I’ll admit the other nominees were probably not worthy either for that year, but we could’ve given it to Unfaithful by default for no reason other than placing Diane Lane in the driver’s seat for the Saggy Seconds Tourney for the next 10 years…I love you Cherry Valance!!!

Crash: “You think you know who you are. You have no idea.”…exactly…I suppose America now stands as the people that tolerated Crash, and those that found it the follow up to Pay it Forward…Look, I’m always down for a little sociology experiment….i.e. White Man’s Burden, White Shadow and Judgment Night, but looking beyond the obvious flawed moral implication that the movie presents…the filmmaking lacked any other substance than being a poor-man’s Traffic.

The narrative is average at best, telling 4-5 different stereotypical situations that don’t stretch the audience thinking more than a local nightly newscast…perhaps the LA area newscasts contain different content than Kitty G. on KOMO4. The perceived naivety from the producers/director and writers for this film went beyond just plain bad filmmaking, but crossed over into that rare boundary of insulting, similar to the feeling I had while in 8th grade and purchasing two tickets to Kuffs for my then-girlfriend and myself only to have her dump me during the first 15 minutes. Maybe I'm missing the point, can Sandra Bullock and Ludacris be involved in a film that wins best picture? This was the challenge the Academy faced this year and damn it if they weren't up for it.
I would be remise to not give the one line that I did enjoy in the film, from the solid Cheadle as Graham, “Mom, I can't talk right now, I'm having sex with a white woman”…seriously, who hasn’t used that line?

Honorable Mention:
*West Side Story-not that I have anything against musicals, but I do, and find them the most offensive form of film, but the fact that it stole the trophy from not only the The Guns of Navarone, but also The Hustler really points out the Hollywood bias against guns, pool and Ron Kovic
*My Fair Lady­-see above for why this shouldn’t have won, and especially when one of my top 10 movies of all time, or Dr Strangelove was denied the award for being not only the best dark comedy of all time, but also the most socially relevant movie during the entire Cold War…and for making the audience think about how the US was losing the "fallout cave" race w/ the Reds
*Sound of Music-man the 60’s sucked for recognizing quality films, but here we go again…perhaps if Dr. Zhivago could’ve incorporated a little song and dance and been a little more upbeat it could’ve had a chance
*Ordinary People – I assume a good film, but over Raging F’n Bull? Hmmmm…Boxing-fatigue from Rocky?
*Chariots of Fire-only because it cost Raiders the Oscar, and come on, it was about British runners w/ an annoying soundtrack…it didn’t even have a Salah? Wtf?
*Terms of Endearment-over The Right Stuff, proving that the Academy doesn’t like guns, pool, surfers, NASA and Ron Kovic.

So my frustration is making it hard to finish this thing, I’m not sure why I can’t let it go. I don’t view my relationship between movies and the Oscars different than say music and the Grammy’s, where usually their line of thinking gives me a good guideline for what not to listen to or watch. Movies like music though, create a very unique personal connection. My feelings about Apocalypse Now and Star Wars embody that unique personal connection. Their collective lack of recognition somehow reflects a snub to my opinions and taste for big budget mainstream filmaking. Somehow, not seeing the quality in a film that I’ll never see (Chicago) or hated(Crash) somehow discredits my opinion about film, like how I feel about Audition.

Is the collective mind always right? Is there something that I’m missing? Is the dark side stronger? I’m not going to get a satisfactory answer from this line of questioning, but still it has to be asked…what makes a film credible enough to be honored by so many “credible” people?