TMSA #1
TMSA = "This Movie Sucks Ass"
Perhaps a recurring gig, we'll see.
I was power channel surfing last week, and the remote roulette ended up on a movie that I hadn't seen in a long time. And it's one I thought rocked as a kid. Amazing what time'll do. Basically, Sean Connery owes us all a personal apology for "Never Say Never Again."
Maybe you all know the back story... it's the "unofficial" 1983 Bond movie that Sean Connery came back to make after being offered the proverbial "gigantic bag of money." And if you don't pay any attention at all, you won't notice it's a thinly veiled remake of Thunderball. And you won't notice that Sean Connery looks nothing like he did during Bond's heyday , a poorly fitting wig clearly not fooling anybody.
How much does this movie stink? They have Rowan "Mr. Bean" Atkinson in a non-comedic role, for Chrissakes. Kim "I can't act" Basinger shows up in a dancercize studio on a yacht.
I dig Sean Connery. He's the man. But there was a reason they replaced you as 007, dude. You. Were. Too. Damn. Old.
There are 2 saving graces to this movie.
1) The worst scene is put right at the beginning. Jimmy's in a health clinic getting a checkup when random bad guy shows up. After a couple of unconvincing punches, Bond disables the guy by grabbing his own urine sample and throwing it in the bad guy's eyes. Seriously. Bond Piss causes the guy to fall into some beakers or something. Hey 007... if that didn't work --- if Her Majesty's Secret Whizz didn't take care of him for ya --- what was the backup plan? A massive Taco Bell run followed by a couple minutes of heavy farting and a match?
2) "Domination of the World", the video game that shows up about 1/2 way through the movie. A cross between a holographic version of Risk and CIA electroshock torture. I totally wanted that game as a kid.
Sean is still the man. But please, cable TV operators of the world, remove this craptastic movie from my rotation. This movie Sucks ASS!
Perhaps a recurring gig, we'll see.
I was power channel surfing last week, and the remote roulette ended up on a movie that I hadn't seen in a long time. And it's one I thought rocked as a kid. Amazing what time'll do. Basically, Sean Connery owes us all a personal apology for "Never Say Never Again."
Maybe you all know the back story... it's the "unofficial" 1983 Bond movie that Sean Connery came back to make after being offered the proverbial "gigantic bag of money." And if you don't pay any attention at all, you won't notice it's a thinly veiled remake of Thunderball. And you won't notice that Sean Connery looks nothing like he did during Bond's heyday , a poorly fitting wig clearly not fooling anybody.
How much does this movie stink? They have Rowan "Mr. Bean" Atkinson in a non-comedic role, for Chrissakes. Kim "I can't act" Basinger shows up in a dancercize studio on a yacht.
I dig Sean Connery. He's the man. But there was a reason they replaced you as 007, dude. You. Were. Too. Damn. Old.
There are 2 saving graces to this movie.
1) The worst scene is put right at the beginning. Jimmy's in a health clinic getting a checkup when random bad guy shows up. After a couple of unconvincing punches, Bond disables the guy by grabbing his own urine sample and throwing it in the bad guy's eyes. Seriously. Bond Piss causes the guy to fall into some beakers or something. Hey 007... if that didn't work --- if Her Majesty's Secret Whizz didn't take care of him for ya --- what was the backup plan? A massive Taco Bell run followed by a couple minutes of heavy farting and a match?
2) "Domination of the World", the video game that shows up about 1/2 way through the movie. A cross between a holographic version of Risk and CIA electroshock torture. I totally wanted that game as a kid.
Sean is still the man. But please, cable TV operators of the world, remove this craptastic movie from my rotation. This movie Sucks ASS!
posted by D-Money at 6:54 AM
9 Comments:
I just want to say the farting technique worked for Cartman on South Park, perhaps they can work that in on the next Bond movie...
D Money. Slipping in a nice little game at the tail end of his 10 day. Lets see what the Poohbah thinks.
If anything it warrants a second 10 day. He's like the Randy Livingston of the Lodge. The man of the 10 day contract
As a kid I would only watch the "war game" scene.
PS: It also has one of the worst Bond Themes of all time... Not counting Chris Cornell's song.
true...I wonder if there's a hidden track on the CR DVD that unlocks the "real" theme song composed years earlier by John Barry...
I like the post and as far as I'm concerned you're getting signed on for the rest of the Hockey Season...
I recently went back and tried going through all of the Bond films from the beginning...I got half way through The Spy Who Loved Me and I cashed out...to me the series ended after Diamonds Are Forever if we don't count OHMSS...amazing even then how much Connery aged in four years...
"...and uh 007?"
"Roger Moore?"
"Roger Moore."
"Didn't you get Sean Connery over here?"
No no, Roger Moore."
D-Money...that means you have a contract until June...the Hockey playoffs are two months! Enjoy!
Wasn't the deal 2 posts in the first 10 days? That first one was a mulligan... I'm waiting for something I haven't thought or read before. Bring it one more time before your first 10 day contract is up, Money.
The "unofficial" Bond is shite? They shouldn't have remade Thunderball? You don't say!?! Color me not impressed. Although I did like the Her Majesty's Secret Whizz joke.
once again 2.0 reminds the Lodge why he the phrase "stop being an ass Joe" was invented...
"Well... allow me to retort." -- J. Winfield
The unofficial Bond is "shite" not because it's unofficial, but because it sucks ass on its own merits, or lack thereof. A couple of the official Bond movies suck ass nearly as much - Moonraker comes to mind.
I never said they shouldn't have remade Thunderball. In fact, the lawsuit that allowed Thunderball to get made in the first place specifically allowed a remake to take place after 10 years had elapsed. Should they have made a remake at all? Who knows. Should they have made the one we ended up with? Hell, no.
But I'm glad you appreciate the potty jokes.
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